I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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