Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize