Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
