I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize