Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
