Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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