It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
