I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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