I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
BRING THE BAGELS
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Text me some of your sweat
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize