it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize