i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
