there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
