You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
