Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
