I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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