just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize