i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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