She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
