Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
