Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize