You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
