I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
