i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I had to cum in my sink.
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