new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
