All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
