he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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