You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
