The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
