I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
