Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Randomize
