she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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