so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
