No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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