dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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