I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
