All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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