Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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