We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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