Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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