Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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