I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
