Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
