Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
