i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
