They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
