Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
