Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
