I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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nutella sex= disaster
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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