I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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