Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
