My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
