I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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