I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
