So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize