Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
