We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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