The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize