$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
