Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
