My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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