dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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