You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
