did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
