god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
