There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
