at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
