i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
