The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
