I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
