i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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