I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I FOUND THE LEGS
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
