Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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