When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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