Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
