I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
