my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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