i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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