Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
