I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize