My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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