The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I faked an abortion last night.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
